Ramblings of a teenage drama queen pt.1

“You have to practice being the person you want to be until you are the person you want to be.” – Unknown

How?
How can I be something I am not?
Practice they say,
So practice…
Practice being kind.
Practice being sweet.
Practice being smart.
How can I practice being something I am not?
I can only try to be me
and can I even succeed at being me?
I’m not sure…

I will get what I deserve
What do I deserve?
What does anyone deserve?
Who decides?

Can I be special ha…
No
I could never..

Who is going to-
Let me just stop there.
Why does someone have to do anything for me?
Why do I expect someone to anything for me?
My life has not been a breeze,
but I can say that things have been pretty calm.

Emotions, maybe I just want…
I know I want,
but
I cant get-
because I don’t earn,
because I dont try,
because
I
cant.

Maybe thats whats wrong,
I just cant.
I say I cant,
I act like I cant,
I believe I cant,

but it’s because the will power to try just isn’t there.

I have a large head and a low self esteem.. What kind of combination is that?
How can someone who boasts themselves so much feel like the only option is death/absence.

Maybe
Maybe
Maybe
Maybe
Maybe

It’s the lack of feeling in my life.
The lack of need.
The lack of desire.
I know I like things…

-I try not to cry because it makes me feel weak, but I think thats why I want to cry so much. I sit in my room most of the time and just think of ways I could be better, things I could do. I imagine myself dying and everything being better. I feel sad all the time because I cant be what everyone needs. I just want everyone to be happy, I lose myself in that. I change for people so they can have what they want and need- and im happy with that. But when I’m not with people, I put myself in this dark place.
And there is comes
The most realization I can get to talking about the way I feel.
Who even cares about that?
How can someone be attached to something so reckless?

FEELINGS
Mother fucking feelings

Happy
How can someone describe happy?
I read on google that loving yourself is treating yourself like a baby,
taking care of yourself before you cry,
loving unconditionally,
attending all the emotional needs,
but
how can I attend ALL my emtional needs?
My body wants too much,
my brain wants too much…
I want too much.

Maybe thats why I can’t get anything
I want.
Or maybe thats why
I overlook things like they are too good for me.

 

Date originally written(DOW): 10/30/13

Georgia pt. 2

The hike at Kennesaw Mountain really wasn’t that bad, at first. I got a lot farther than I anticipated but I also didn’t think it would be that long of a hike. This is what happens, in my mind I think it’s going to go great and I should definitely go exercise and be active! I call this self-punishment. Either way, I am proud I was able to finish and drag my unwilling self to the truck.

The hike, my heart says it was 5 miles. I honestly can’t say how many it actually was, my phone falsely peddled the idea that I only took 32 steps. Even now it is saying 3 miles but when we used the GPS to find our way back to the car it said it was 2 miles away. Disappointing. I usually have my Bellabeat Leaf Urban fitness tracker, which works fabulously, but I didn’t this time because my bracelet broke (it didn’t really break, it’s made of leather and me sweating in it made it stinky). Needless to say, I am very unsure how far I walked or if it would even be considered a far distance. As someone who hasn’t exercised in a very long time, it was difficult.

At first I was all about it, taking pictures, walking ahead at times. I felt good, it wasn’t too hot; there was coverage under the trees to protect from the sun. I snapped some great pictures, I felt great, saw where the racists died. Overall I was having a fantastic time.

I started to get a little hot, so I drank some water. Then my feet started to hurt so I took a short break. I felt fine, my feet stopped hurting so I stood up and began to walk again. Biggest mistake, that break was the worst decision as once I began to walk again I felt like I couldn’t lift my legs. My thighs and turning stomach were the issue. I pushed on though. I wasn’t at my breaking point yet. I started an uphill trek, and that’s when it hit me. I was walking uphill, out in the sun, and I saw a stump and took a seat. A man said “Can you imagine those Yankees walking hundreds of miles in 100° weather?” My response was “And they won.” That was the motivation I needed, I made it to the top of the hill, took another short break because I honestly did feel like I was going to vomit. I was burping up breakfast. Less than 100 steps later the truck was in sight! I was so relieved I noticed I picked up the pace and practically ran to the truck. In the back of my mind I was just so relieved that we didn’t bring the jeep. I have a very hard time climbing in and out of the jeep without being completely exhausted.

I am pretty lucky my family isn’t fat phobic and my sister’s boyfriend isn’t either. They were very understanding and willing to work around my needs.

No one wants to be fat, this was definitely not a situation I want to be in again. I wish I could say that I am overweight because of eating fattening foods or such, but the real reason I gained weight was because I just stopped exercising. I ate the same, I behaved the same, I just stopped going to dance classes, and no more P.E in school, and no more walks with friends or runs around the neighborhood. It always amazes me how no matter what I do now as a 25 year old woman, I will probably never be able to get to that point of being active as I was and feeling good about it. But this topic is for another piece, and perhaps I will cover it someday.

The hike was great, but the next hike I go on wont be because I requested it.

 

You say

You say to wake you if I need anything

What a funny thing to offer

If true love is waking up in the dead of night for your partner

Is true love waking your partner up?

I’m confused because I thought the goal was to better one another but I if I keep waking you up and hindering you from getting your sleep what does that make me to you?

If I’m someone who brings you down

Do you want me?

Do you need me?

How many happy faces can I put on until you notice the cracks?

I’m chipping away into something I don’t recognize

And every time I feel this stranger coming

I run

And unfortunately, it’s away from you

Ella y yo

Este vez

Si lo siento

Tu amor

Te abrazo

Pero no estás

Lloro

Varias veces

Y me quedo pensando

Sin ti

Quien soy

Sin ti

Que es alegría

Soñamos de tiempos

Donde casamos

Y tenemos bebés

En un casa propio

Y eso si va ser?

Como me puedes hacer promesas

como las unas

Que distes

A ella

Somos diferentes

Ella y yo

Ella tiene su lado

De oscuridad

Y yo también pero diferente

Nunca quiero hacer daño a nadie

Cuando ella me hace daño a mi

Y aún no lo puedo ser

No la puedo estimar

No se

Que puedo decir

Pero me duele

Y pienso en ti

Quiero salvarte de esto

Esta cosa que creíste

Pero cada acción tiene su efecto

Y lo que es

Va ser.

Cada ves que digo que somos diferentes

Ella tiene un millón de razones que somos iguales.

No lo quiero creer

Pero si es verdad

Y solo notamos las similitudes

Porque es una competición

Sin decir

Lo que es

Morning gifts

I wake up, sigh, it’s too early to function and yet my body is already becoming more alert.
Curse of the morning person I suppose. I think to myself looking around. 2 dogs on the floor, snoring; One dog along my back, also snoring and a dog cuddling my feet under the covers. What’s that rule about a sleeping animal? I guess that means I can’t move, huh? I shake the sleep off, take a deep breath and say, “Good morning!” As if a bell tower had rung these dogs all become alert at once. The pug goes from sleeping along my back to her snout in my face and a million face kisses; just for me. The dachshund wags his tail under the covers and slowly creeps out, giving a long stretch before walking along the edge of the bed towards my face. The Rottweilers eyes are wide open as she stares at me from the floor, she is so unwilling sometimes. “I said good morning, aren’t you ready to go outside?” That did the trick. The Rottweiler claws her way to her feet, and she walks towards the bedroom door, which is still closed because our biggest challenge is hogging the dog bed: The American bulldog, she doesn’t even open her eyes. But I see them blink. She is awake she is just too lazy to get up! And she knows it’s 6:30 am and everyone in the house is sleeping so I can’t be loud. “You got me, Mia, but it’s time to go outside, let’s go! Up!” I try to be as encouraging as possible but she opens one eye at me, I think it’s working. I move out of the bed, running my hands down the back of every dog I nudge away to make space for myself. I bend beside Mia, “come on baby” I coax as I cup her face and pet her head. Cookie, the Rottweiler, just can’t take it anymore and she gets in my face and gives me a lick! “Ok! Ok! We are going without Mia then, bye Mia”
The small dogs, Tinky the Pug and Charlie the dachshund jump off the bed, nose in the door. I open the door slowly but it doesn’t matter, they run into the door and they run out the door. Mia lies motionless in bed. Guess she will have to hold it until my parents wake up. I get to the backdoor and open it for the babies, they all run out but as soon as the door closes behind them, they are crying for me to sit outside with them. I’m feeling the time pressure. My job requires me to be somewhere by 8 and it takes 20 minutes to drive there. As if in sync, the moment I check my phone I get a text from my boss (who I consider my second mother) “can you stop by my house first on the way to the warehouse?” I have to add an extra 10 minutes to make it to the warehouse in time now. It’s 7:10 am. I have about 15 minutes. I hope they use the bathroom but it’s also my turn. I race to the bathroom and that’s when it hits me;
Surprise poop.

Willing victim

I talk about how my heart pains

But when we aren’t speaking I’m so happy with the memories

Then when you call it’s as if that’s all things will ever be: memories.

And I will never have a future where more can be created.

Shouldn’t I be grateful? Some people don’t even have memories

Am I lucky or cursed?

To have felt your hands in mine

Your lips on mine

Or am I cursed

To live with the memory

And long for it

And never have it again

I wanted to write more positively

Truly I did

But I find myself now sinking

Into this darkness that completely encases me

I guess my main question is:

Did I walk in voluntarily?

Hungry

I can hear the wind
Screech across the shutters
Like nails
Dragging down a chalk board

I lie awake
Listening
Waiting
Mostly for your call.

Or a message
Or something

I don’t get it
I never do
I don’t know why I hold my breath
For something that so irregularly happens

You say things will change
You make me believe it
Believe you

But slowly that trust is fading
And I don’t think you realize
That some nights
I don’t feel like I know you 

I’m not convinced
You are truly invested

I feel guilty
So I don’t tell you

But most days and nights
I feel more alone than I ever have

Is it because
You showed me what it’s like
To not feel this way?

But what did I do
For you to change
For you to take away
That comfort
That security

I want it back
Please don’t go

I’m Fine

I wanted to start crying immediately
As you stayed up and got into a computer chair
Exhausted
Wanting to sleep
Drifting into sleep
And said
“Let’s play 20 questions”
In that voice
The one where you’re annoyed
The one where you’re angry
and you know
you don’t have a right to be

I should’ve cried
I should’ve just
Cried

But I didn’t
I told you to just go to bed

Brushing off
The tone
In your voice.

Maybe you’re too tired to
Care

All I will ever have is maybes because
I will
Never
Know

I ask questions
That should come as no surprise
As I’ve asked many questions
In the beginning
Reading off questionnaires
Trying to know ever nook and cranny of your mind
And personhood 

I don’t feel wrong
Or bad

I don’t feel guilty 

I asked what’s on your mind
And when you were asleep
I knew

You’re mind was clear
Capable of sleep
Comfortable
Not needing to think about consequences
Or actions
Or anything

I knew in your mind
You were thinking of nothing

And in that moment
I felt
Like I was nothing too

Listen

Looking deep into my swollen
Heart

It has always beat
For someone else.

I find focusing on me
Is hard.
It doesn’t come natural
to me to be selfish.

And when I am,
I get guilty and or
guilted.

I just want to love me
the way everyone says
they love me.

I want to see me
the way everyone
Sees me.

I want to know
how to not
share every detail of my life
with the first listening ear.

I want to be heard
Even when I am

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