You say

You say to wake you if I need anything

What a funny thing to offer

If true love is waking up in the dead of night for your partner

Is true love waking your partner up?

I’m confused because I thought the goal was to better one another but I if I keep waking you up and hindering you from getting your sleep what does that make me to you?

If I’m someone who brings you down

Do you want me?

Do you need me?

How many happy faces can I put on until you notice the cracks?

I’m chipping away into something I don’t recognize

And every time I feel this stranger coming

I run

And unfortunately, it’s away from you

Here we go, together

Slipping
Into my sadness,
Into my own darkness

It’s so terrible
that I don’t want to be alone

But I also don’t want you to talk to me
I want you to forget
that you said you wanted to spend the time
when I got home
Which you already did

You started playing your game,
Forgetting that I am just here

I would usually be pestering you
Reminding you
that we would do something together

Why don’t you notice my change?
You seem fine
Everything is great in your world

While mine is crashing

I am the saddest I have been in a long while
I can’t feel my emotions anymore
The reality of you not coming is sinking in

And I hate it

I wish you would just face it,
Face the anxiety
And come
But you can’t
You won’t

I am not pretending to
entertain the idea of us in the future anymore.

I am tapping out
Checking out
My thoughts are mine
And that’s it
They will not be shared
My emotions will not be shared
I am just going to be me. 

You’re right
You’re not perfect
And I was a fool to think this relationship would be.

I’m Fine

I wanted to start crying immediately
As you stayed up and got into a computer chair
Exhausted
Wanting to sleep
Drifting into sleep
And said
“Let’s play 20 questions”
In that voice
The one where you’re annoyed
The one where you’re angry
and you know
you don’t have a right to be

I should’ve cried
I should’ve just
Cried

But I didn’t
I told you to just go to bed

Brushing off
The tone
In your voice.

Maybe you’re too tired to
Care

All I will ever have is maybes because
I will
Never
Know

I ask questions
That should come as no surprise
As I’ve asked many questions
In the beginning
Reading off questionnaires
Trying to know ever nook and cranny of your mind
And personhood 

I don’t feel wrong
Or bad

I don’t feel guilty 

I asked what’s on your mind
And when you were asleep
I knew

You’re mind was clear
Capable of sleep
Comfortable
Not needing to think about consequences
Or actions
Or anything

I knew in your mind
You were thinking of nothing

And in that moment
I felt
Like I was nothing too

Listen

Looking deep into my swollen
Heart

It has always beat
For someone else.

I find focusing on me
Is hard.
It doesn’t come natural
to me to be selfish.

And when I am,
I get guilty and or
guilted.

I just want to love me
the way everyone says
they love me.

I want to see me
the way everyone
Sees me.

I want to know
how to not
share every detail of my life
with the first listening ear.

I want to be heard
Even when I am

JCM Inspired

I can’t pretend I am always feeling down, I catch myself smiling at the thought of you. Every picture you send me keeps my heart afloat, bides me time from the darkness of my depression that I know is coming so close so fast. Long distance is hard, but you make it look so easy. I can feel myself crumbling with you, I sometimes can’t even bring myself to smile because I know the tears will just flood from me. You bring me a smile, that shimmer in your eyes reassure me of the love that sometimes my sadness makes me question. Those words slip from your lips, and the physical distance between us disappears. I can be myself, I can say whatever I want to say. Do what I want to do. I have always had to conform to what my partners wanted me to be. When I am with you, I get to be me. It’s been a long time since I have known myself but that doesn’t bother you. You want to explore that together and I could never express how much that hurts so good.

Can we all feel it, too?

Battling without reason
Same with my crying
Thinking to the days
When I was a child
Sitting on a couch
Asking myself over and over
“What do you have to be sad for?”
I could never answer.

Even as I rattled off in my head
A list of reasons
To smile
I could not bring it to
My face. 

As a young girl
Being told to smile
I grew up
To be fake.
Wearing this
Suit
Of happiness
Feeling the ocean
Of emotion
Within me.
I suppress.

There was a long time
I couldn’t associate
With what I was
Feeling.
I would have my mind
Spinning
To figure out
If my emotions
Can truly be explained,

Am I really feeling angry?
Or do I feel something else
And was taught it was anger.
What if
What I’m feeling
Isn’t what we think it is.

What if it’s something worse?
How am I to know?
I can’t even explain
Why I am crying
As I
Write
This. 

I’ve never truly struggled
I’ve had a great family behind me
Mostly.
No one is perfect
I’m sure they feel they do
What they can
I feel that way too. 

Hidden Gem

On the outside so beautiful,
ready to be seen,
glimmering in the sun;
Never showing what lies beneath.

For when you melt the surface
of this beautiful girl,
you find that in the center
is a sludge that destroys worlds.

You only take a layer
of her beautiful exterior,
Being sure not to break through
to the darkened center.

But it’s not only just you.
Too many people
have lingered past,
seeing this gem,
sneaking past her walls
with their sweet, soft words.

Only to steal a layer.
And forget the girl.

There is a myth
about girls like these,
their beauty was so pure
they shined from beneath.

But with every layer taken
their shine began to die.
The torment they feel
they see of their own volition,
and so her core
Rotted.

Now with just a few layers left
you have snuck in,
smooth words
and broad chest
a hero
ready to win.

Just for a second
there was a faint glow.

This foolish girl,
she should’ve known.
When you finally took your layer,
she threatened to break.

Unable to return it
you realize your error.
You stay for a moment,
caressing the thinnest spots,
knowing any pressure
will release the rot.

But she cannot take it!
She knows what this means,
the moment she shines
you will leave.

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