Leak

Swallowing your pride
is easier than swallowing words
you’ve already spoken.

There will be harbored regret
while you watch actions unfold
because you
couldn’t keep your words
where they belonged.

Ramblings of a teenage drama queen pt.1

“You have to practice being the person you want to be until you are the person you want to be.” – Unknown

How?
How can I be something I am not?
Practice they say,
So practice…
Practice being kind.
Practice being sweet.
Practice being smart.
How can I practice being something I am not?
I can only try to be me
and can I even succeed at being me?
I’m not sure…

I will get what I deserve
What do I deserve?
What does anyone deserve?
Who decides?

Can I be special ha…
No
I could never..

Who is going to-
Let me just stop there.
Why does someone have to do anything for me?
Why do I expect someone to anything for me?
My life has not been a breeze,
but I can say that things have been pretty calm.

Emotions, maybe I just want…
I know I want,
but
I cant get-
because I don’t earn,
because I dont try,
because
I
cant.

Maybe thats whats wrong,
I just cant.
I say I cant,
I act like I cant,
I believe I cant,

but it’s because the will power to try just isn’t there.

I have a large head and a low self esteem.. What kind of combination is that?
How can someone who boasts themselves so much feel like the only option is death/absence.

Maybe
Maybe
Maybe
Maybe
Maybe

It’s the lack of feeling in my life.
The lack of need.
The lack of desire.
I know I like things…

-I try not to cry because it makes me feel weak, but I think thats why I want to cry so much. I sit in my room most of the time and just think of ways I could be better, things I could do. I imagine myself dying and everything being better. I feel sad all the time because I cant be what everyone needs. I just want everyone to be happy, I lose myself in that. I change for people so they can have what they want and need- and im happy with that. But when I’m not with people, I put myself in this dark place.
And there is comes
The most realization I can get to talking about the way I feel.
Who even cares about that?
How can someone be attached to something so reckless?

FEELINGS
Mother fucking feelings

Happy
How can someone describe happy?
I read on google that loving yourself is treating yourself like a baby,
taking care of yourself before you cry,
loving unconditionally,
attending all the emotional needs,
but
how can I attend ALL my emtional needs?
My body wants too much,
my brain wants too much…
I want too much.

Maybe thats why I can’t get anything
I want.
Or maybe thats why
I overlook things like they are too good for me.

 

Date originally written(DOW): 10/30/13

Murder By Death

My first concert. Well, can I call it a first if I went to Fort Rock for a couple hours before the heat took over me? If so, then this is my second concert. This really feels like my first though, it feels like I never experienced anything this surreal; even meeting Brandon for the first time!

A little back story is up I suppose, Brandon is my boyfriend. We met online via a game called Don’t Starve Together. Crazy, I know. I never expected to find a life partner in a game, especially that one. Long distance is hard, we are making it work the best we can. Currently trying to find a place so we can move in together.

Back to the concert though! It was amazing, I had such a good time at the Terminal West venue. The acoustics in the place was great, the band sounded just as good or even better than the recorded  version! This trip was at first pretty scary but now I am really looking forward to the next time I will be in town.

(Continuation soon)

The cupcake phase

I miss the days when you wanted to know me
You would race home to talk to me
Never wanted to spend time apart

Things seem to have changed
You don’t race home
And you don’t talk to me when you get there
Some days we don’t get on voice chat
and most days we don’t video chat

It’s hard keeping a long distance relationship alive
There are no how to books
Maybe some blogs
But every case is a snowflake

different

I found tons of LDR questionnaires
At first it was nice
We learned a lot
Mostly our boundaries

but now

They have become a hassle
Something that is an annoyance
more than an exploration

intimacy

not the sex kind of intimacy
I want the brain kind
You know the one
Where we know each other
faults and all
And still want to be together
Still get tangled up in deep thought
and conversation

Laughter, mutual understanding

I just don’t want to be
LD
Anymore

Georgia pt. 2

The hike at Kennesaw Mountain really wasn’t that bad, at first. I got a lot farther than I anticipated but I also didn’t think it would be that long of a hike. This is what happens, in my mind I think it’s going to go great and I should definitely go exercise and be active! I call this self-punishment. Either way, I am proud I was able to finish and drag my unwilling self to the truck.

The hike, my heart says it was 5 miles. I honestly can’t say how many it actually was, my phone falsely peddled the idea that I only took 32 steps. Even now it is saying 3 miles but when we used the GPS to find our way back to the car it said it was 2 miles away. Disappointing. I usually have my Bellabeat Leaf Urban fitness tracker, which works fabulously, but I didn’t this time because my bracelet broke (it didn’t really break, it’s made of leather and me sweating in it made it stinky). Needless to say, I am very unsure how far I walked or if it would even be considered a far distance. As someone who hasn’t exercised in a very long time, it was difficult.

At first I was all about it, taking pictures, walking ahead at times. I felt good, it wasn’t too hot; there was coverage under the trees to protect from the sun. I snapped some great pictures, I felt great, saw where the racists died. Overall I was having a fantastic time.

I started to get a little hot, so I drank some water. Then my feet started to hurt so I took a short break. I felt fine, my feet stopped hurting so I stood up and began to walk again. Biggest mistake, that break was the worst decision as once I began to walk again I felt like I couldn’t lift my legs. My thighs and turning stomach were the issue. I pushed on though. I wasn’t at my breaking point yet. I started an uphill trek, and that’s when it hit me. I was walking uphill, out in the sun, and I saw a stump and took a seat. A man said “Can you imagine those Yankees walking hundreds of miles in 100° weather?” My response was “And they won.” That was the motivation I needed, I made it to the top of the hill, took another short break because I honestly did feel like I was going to vomit. I was burping up breakfast. Less than 100 steps later the truck was in sight! I was so relieved I noticed I picked up the pace and practically ran to the truck. In the back of my mind I was just so relieved that we didn’t bring the jeep. I have a very hard time climbing in and out of the jeep without being completely exhausted.

I am pretty lucky my family isn’t fat phobic and my sister’s boyfriend isn’t either. They were very understanding and willing to work around my needs.

No one wants to be fat, this was definitely not a situation I want to be in again. I wish I could say that I am overweight because of eating fattening foods or such, but the real reason I gained weight was because I just stopped exercising. I ate the same, I behaved the same, I just stopped going to dance classes, and no more P.E in school, and no more walks with friends or runs around the neighborhood. It always amazes me how no matter what I do now as a 25 year old woman, I will probably never be able to get to that point of being active as I was and feeling good about it. But this topic is for another piece, and perhaps I will cover it someday.

The hike was great, but the next hike I go on wont be because I requested it.

 

Ramblings

It’s crazy because I can sit and think for hours and completely blank when it’s time to discuss my thoughts. My mind just moves so quickly from one thing to another it’s hard to keep track of decisions and ideas. To you I may be indecisive; to me I am too decisive. I know what I want but I care about the repercussions of those wants and needs. Who will it affect? Will it hurt anyone? My dad would always say the old cliche, “no good deed goes unpunished”. I think about that a lot while I am driving. How I stop at a stop sign and let someone go first at the expense of the person behind me. It disrupts the order, causes chaos but it still considered a good gesture for the person who goes first. It isn’t like I really shaved off any time for them, maybe 10 seconds. I suppose that is the truth for either direction. I shaved off 10 seconds for one person, added 10 seconds for another. This makes me their time master and they will have no choice but to bend to my will. Because I am the one who got to the stop sign first. If my first thought was to disrupt the person behind me so be it.

Why is it that when someone is more in a hurry while driving everyone around seems to think it is good/funny/fair to take longer. Waste their time. If they are in a hurry could it be for a reason that is out of our norm?

We will never understand what happens in the life of others. And as I learned in my creative writing class, life is stranger than fiction. With that my professor mentioned to us how difficult it would be to write an autobiography as no one would ever believe the events we are claiming took place were real. Instead tweak them and write them into a fiction story where you can manipulate the emphasis and hidden meanings.

It is crazy how somethings stick with you and somethings just leave your mind completely. I felt so ahead in that class, like I knew my stuff and others were playing catch up.

But I was never one to be so precise.

You say

You say to wake you if I need anything

What a funny thing to offer

If true love is waking up in the dead of night for your partner

Is true love waking your partner up?

I’m confused because I thought the goal was to better one another but I if I keep waking you up and hindering you from getting your sleep what does that make me to you?

If I’m someone who brings you down

Do you want me?

Do you need me?

How many happy faces can I put on until you notice the cracks?

I’m chipping away into something I don’t recognize

And every time I feel this stranger coming

I run

And unfortunately, it’s away from you

Habit

I have a very bad habit of lying to you

I don’t mean to

And I know what I’m doing

But I just can’t stop

You ask me if I’m ok

And I say yes

You ask if I’m tired

And I say yes

You ask if I want to sleep

And I say yes

It’s a lie, I just want to cry

I’m on the verge of overflowing with each response I feel my throat burning and swelling painfully

If I say anything more I will burst

And you will feel obligated to clean up my mess

Say all the right things

Apologize

But nothing cures me

You can’t mend what you don’t know is broken

And I can’t tell you what’s broken

All I know is I lie

And I’m sorry

Ella y yo

Este vez

Si lo siento

Tu amor

Te abrazo

Pero no estás

Lloro

Varias veces

Y me quedo pensando

Sin ti

Quien soy

Sin ti

Que es alegría

Soñamos de tiempos

Donde casamos

Y tenemos bebés

En un casa propio

Y eso si va ser?

Como me puedes hacer promesas

como las unas

Que distes

A ella

Somos diferentes

Ella y yo

Ella tiene su lado

De oscuridad

Y yo también pero diferente

Nunca quiero hacer daño a nadie

Cuando ella me hace daño a mi

Y aún no lo puedo ser

No la puedo estimar

No se

Que puedo decir

Pero me duele

Y pienso en ti

Quiero salvarte de esto

Esta cosa que creíste

Pero cada acción tiene su efecto

Y lo que es

Va ser.

Cada ves que digo que somos diferentes

Ella tiene un millón de razones que somos iguales.

No lo quiero creer

Pero si es verdad

Y solo notamos las similitudes

Porque es una competición

Sin decir

Lo que es

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