Ramblings of a teenage drama queen pt.1

“You have to practice being the person you want to be until you are the person you want to be.” – Unknown

How?
How can I be something I am not?
Practice they say,
So practice…
Practice being kind.
Practice being sweet.
Practice being smart.
How can I practice being something I am not?
I can only try to be me
and can I even succeed at being me?
I’m not sure…

I will get what I deserve
What do I deserve?
What does anyone deserve?
Who decides?

Can I be special ha…
No
I could never..

Who is going to-
Let me just stop there.
Why does someone have to do anything for me?
Why do I expect someone to anything for me?
My life has not been a breeze,
but I can say that things have been pretty calm.

Emotions, maybe I just want…
I know I want,
but
I cant get-
because I don’t earn,
because I dont try,
because
I
cant.

Maybe thats whats wrong,
I just cant.
I say I cant,
I act like I cant,
I believe I cant,

but it’s because the will power to try just isn’t there.

I have a large head and a low self esteem.. What kind of combination is that?
How can someone who boasts themselves so much feel like the only option is death/absence.

Maybe
Maybe
Maybe
Maybe
Maybe

It’s the lack of feeling in my life.
The lack of need.
The lack of desire.
I know I like things…

-I try not to cry because it makes me feel weak, but I think thats why I want to cry so much. I sit in my room most of the time and just think of ways I could be better, things I could do. I imagine myself dying and everything being better. I feel sad all the time because I cant be what everyone needs. I just want everyone to be happy, I lose myself in that. I change for people so they can have what they want and need- and im happy with that. But when I’m not with people, I put myself in this dark place.
And there is comes
The most realization I can get to talking about the way I feel.
Who even cares about that?
How can someone be attached to something so reckless?

FEELINGS
Mother fucking feelings

Happy
How can someone describe happy?
I read on google that loving yourself is treating yourself like a baby,
taking care of yourself before you cry,
loving unconditionally,
attending all the emotional needs,
but
how can I attend ALL my emtional needs?
My body wants too much,
my brain wants too much…
I want too much.

Maybe thats why I can’t get anything
I want.
Or maybe thats why
I overlook things like they are too good for me.

 

Date originally written(DOW): 10/30/13

The cupcake phase

I miss the days when you wanted to know me
You would race home to talk to me
Never wanted to spend time apart

Things seem to have changed
You don’t race home
And you don’t talk to me when you get there
Some days we don’t get on voice chat
and most days we don’t video chat

It’s hard keeping a long distance relationship alive
There are no how to books
Maybe some blogs
But every case is a snowflake

different

I found tons of LDR questionnaires
At first it was nice
We learned a lot
Mostly our boundaries

but now

They have become a hassle
Something that is an annoyance
more than an exploration

intimacy

not the sex kind of intimacy
I want the brain kind
You know the one
Where we know each other
faults and all
And still want to be together
Still get tangled up in deep thought
and conversation

Laughter, mutual understanding

I just don’t want to be
LD
Anymore

Morning gifts

I wake up, sigh, it’s too early to function and yet my body is already becoming more alert.
Curse of the morning person I suppose. I think to myself looking around. 2 dogs on the floor, snoring; One dog along my back, also snoring and a dog cuddling my feet under the covers. What’s that rule about a sleeping animal? I guess that means I can’t move, huh? I shake the sleep off, take a deep breath and say, “Good morning!” As if a bell tower had rung these dogs all become alert at once. The pug goes from sleeping along my back to her snout in my face and a million face kisses; just for me. The dachshund wags his tail under the covers and slowly creeps out, giving a long stretch before walking along the edge of the bed towards my face. The Rottweilers eyes are wide open as she stares at me from the floor, she is so unwilling sometimes. “I said good morning, aren’t you ready to go outside?” That did the trick. The Rottweiler claws her way to her feet, and she walks towards the bedroom door, which is still closed because our biggest challenge is hogging the dog bed: The American bulldog, she doesn’t even open her eyes. But I see them blink. She is awake she is just too lazy to get up! And she knows it’s 6:30 am and everyone in the house is sleeping so I can’t be loud. “You got me, Mia, but it’s time to go outside, let’s go! Up!” I try to be as encouraging as possible but she opens one eye at me, I think it’s working. I move out of the bed, running my hands down the back of every dog I nudge away to make space for myself. I bend beside Mia, “come on baby” I coax as I cup her face and pet her head. Cookie, the Rottweiler, just can’t take it anymore and she gets in my face and gives me a lick! “Ok! Ok! We are going without Mia then, bye Mia”
The small dogs, Tinky the Pug and Charlie the dachshund jump off the bed, nose in the door. I open the door slowly but it doesn’t matter, they run into the door and they run out the door. Mia lies motionless in bed. Guess she will have to hold it until my parents wake up. I get to the backdoor and open it for the babies, they all run out but as soon as the door closes behind them, they are crying for me to sit outside with them. I’m feeling the time pressure. My job requires me to be somewhere by 8 and it takes 20 minutes to drive there. As if in sync, the moment I check my phone I get a text from my boss (who I consider my second mother) “can you stop by my house first on the way to the warehouse?” I have to add an extra 10 minutes to make it to the warehouse in time now. It’s 7:10 am. I have about 15 minutes. I hope they use the bathroom but it’s also my turn. I race to the bathroom and that’s when it hits me;
Surprise poop.

Easy

Sometimes it is easier to write when my eyes are swollen with tears, but it is equally as important to write about the average times. Or even more importantly, about the times where I am happy about an event or decision.

Now is definitely one of these times. I have decided to pursue grad school. I am aiming to apply for Washington or even southern British Columbia, Canada.

I plan on writing more and keeping up with this blog better than I have been. I really want to be a member of this community and feel comfortable expressing myself. It  isn’t easy being truly myself a lot of the time. I just need to find a place where I can be who I am, and grow into the person I want to be.

I know most of my writings have been pretty down lately, I will work on it. I also plan on self publishing a book soon.

Cant expose everything yet, but believe me! I am moving forward to better myself and becoming the person I know I can be- and you all deserve.

Isolation

I’m alone
And I don’t know what’s worse
Knowing I missed the opportunity
Or the fact part of me is happy

I’m experiencing this pain
I definitely am a participator
In self punishment
And if you don’t know what that is
It’s when
An individual
Takes their feelings
And decides to do something
That hurts only them
In the hopes
Of hurting another
Or getting the attention of another

I constantly find myself
Punishing
For your attention
I don’t feel like a part of your life

Seeing as I have no idea
What’s going on
In your
Life

And I feel like I will never know

I feel we will never actually
live together

This is a super uncomfortable situation
for me
and you
Don’t even notice

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