Ramblings of a teenage drama queen pt.1

“You have to practice being the person you want to be until you are the person you want to be.” – Unknown

How?
How can I be something I am not?
Practice they say,
So practice…
Practice being kind.
Practice being sweet.
Practice being smart.
How can I practice being something I am not?
I can only try to be me
and can I even succeed at being me?
I’m not sure…

I will get what I deserve
What do I deserve?
What does anyone deserve?
Who decides?

Can I be special ha…
No
I could never..

Who is going to-
Let me just stop there.
Why does someone have to do anything for me?
Why do I expect someone to anything for me?
My life has not been a breeze,
but I can say that things have been pretty calm.

Emotions, maybe I just want…
I know I want,
but
I cant get-
because I don’t earn,
because I dont try,
because
I
cant.

Maybe thats whats wrong,
I just cant.
I say I cant,
I act like I cant,
I believe I cant,

but it’s because the will power to try just isn’t there.

I have a large head and a low self esteem.. What kind of combination is that?
How can someone who boasts themselves so much feel like the only option is death/absence.

Maybe
Maybe
Maybe
Maybe
Maybe

It’s the lack of feeling in my life.
The lack of need.
The lack of desire.
I know I like things…

-I try not to cry because it makes me feel weak, but I think thats why I want to cry so much. I sit in my room most of the time and just think of ways I could be better, things I could do. I imagine myself dying and everything being better. I feel sad all the time because I cant be what everyone needs. I just want everyone to be happy, I lose myself in that. I change for people so they can have what they want and need- and im happy with that. But when I’m not with people, I put myself in this dark place.
And there is comes
The most realization I can get to talking about the way I feel.
Who even cares about that?
How can someone be attached to something so reckless?

FEELINGS
Mother fucking feelings

Happy
How can someone describe happy?
I read on google that loving yourself is treating yourself like a baby,
taking care of yourself before you cry,
loving unconditionally,
attending all the emotional needs,
but
how can I attend ALL my emtional needs?
My body wants too much,
my brain wants too much…
I want too much.

Maybe thats why I can’t get anything
I want.
Or maybe thats why
I overlook things like they are too good for me.

 

Date originally written(DOW): 10/30/13

You say

You say to wake you if I need anything

What a funny thing to offer

If true love is waking up in the dead of night for your partner

Is true love waking your partner up?

I’m confused because I thought the goal was to better one another but I if I keep waking you up and hindering you from getting your sleep what does that make me to you?

If I’m someone who brings you down

Do you want me?

Do you need me?

How many happy faces can I put on until you notice the cracks?

I’m chipping away into something I don’t recognize

And every time I feel this stranger coming

I run

And unfortunately, it’s away from you

Isolation

I’m alone
And I don’t know what’s worse
Knowing I missed the opportunity
Or the fact part of me is happy

I’m experiencing this pain
I definitely am a participator
In self punishment
And if you don’t know what that is
It’s when
An individual
Takes their feelings
And decides to do something
That hurts only them
In the hopes
Of hurting another
Or getting the attention of another

I constantly find myself
Punishing
For your attention
I don’t feel like a part of your life

Seeing as I have no idea
What’s going on
In your
Life

And I feel like I will never know

I feel we will never actually
live together

This is a super uncomfortable situation
for me
and you
Don’t even notice

JCM Inspired

I can’t pretend I am always feeling down, I catch myself smiling at the thought of you. Every picture you send me keeps my heart afloat, bides me time from the darkness of my depression that I know is coming so close so fast. Long distance is hard, but you make it look so easy. I can feel myself crumbling with you, I sometimes can’t even bring myself to smile because I know the tears will just flood from me. You bring me a smile, that shimmer in your eyes reassure me of the love that sometimes my sadness makes me question. Those words slip from your lips, and the physical distance between us disappears. I can be myself, I can say whatever I want to say. Do what I want to do. I have always had to conform to what my partners wanted me to be. When I am with you, I get to be me. It’s been a long time since I have known myself but that doesn’t bother you. You want to explore that together and I could never express how much that hurts so good.

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