Ramblings of a teenage drama queen pt.1

“You have to practice being the person you want to be until you are the person you want to be.” – Unknown

How?
How can I be something I am not?
Practice they say,
So practice…
Practice being kind.
Practice being sweet.
Practice being smart.
How can I practice being something I am not?
I can only try to be me
and can I even succeed at being me?
I’m not sure…

I will get what I deserve
What do I deserve?
What does anyone deserve?
Who decides?

Can I be special ha…
No
I could never..

Who is going to-
Let me just stop there.
Why does someone have to do anything for me?
Why do I expect someone to anything for me?
My life has not been a breeze,
but I can say that things have been pretty calm.

Emotions, maybe I just want…
I know I want,
but
I cant get-
because I don’t earn,
because I dont try,
because
I
cant.

Maybe thats whats wrong,
I just cant.
I say I cant,
I act like I cant,
I believe I cant,

but it’s because the will power to try just isn’t there.

I have a large head and a low self esteem.. What kind of combination is that?
How can someone who boasts themselves so much feel like the only option is death/absence.

Maybe
Maybe
Maybe
Maybe
Maybe

It’s the lack of feeling in my life.
The lack of need.
The lack of desire.
I know I like things…

-I try not to cry because it makes me feel weak, but I think thats why I want to cry so much. I sit in my room most of the time and just think of ways I could be better, things I could do. I imagine myself dying and everything being better. I feel sad all the time because I cant be what everyone needs. I just want everyone to be happy, I lose myself in that. I change for people so they can have what they want and need- and im happy with that. But when I’m not with people, I put myself in this dark place.
And there is comes
The most realization I can get to talking about the way I feel.
Who even cares about that?
How can someone be attached to something so reckless?

FEELINGS
Mother fucking feelings

Happy
How can someone describe happy?
I read on google that loving yourself is treating yourself like a baby,
taking care of yourself before you cry,
loving unconditionally,
attending all the emotional needs,
but
how can I attend ALL my emtional needs?
My body wants too much,
my brain wants too much…
I want too much.

Maybe thats why I can’t get anything
I want.
Or maybe thats why
I overlook things like they are too good for me.

 

Date originally written(DOW): 10/30/13

Willing victim

I talk about how my heart pains

But when we aren’t speaking I’m so happy with the memories

Then when you call it’s as if that’s all things will ever be: memories.

And I will never have a future where more can be created.

Shouldn’t I be grateful? Some people don’t even have memories

Am I lucky or cursed?

To have felt your hands in mine

Your lips on mine

Or am I cursed

To live with the memory

And long for it

And never have it again

I wanted to write more positively

Truly I did

But I find myself now sinking

Into this darkness that completely encases me

I guess my main question is:

Did I walk in voluntarily?

Can we all feel it, too?

Battling without reason
Same with my crying
Thinking to the days
When I was a child
Sitting on a couch
Asking myself over and over
“What do you have to be sad for?”
I could never answer.

Even as I rattled off in my head
A list of reasons
To smile
I could not bring it to
My face. 

As a young girl
Being told to smile
I grew up
To be fake.
Wearing this
Suit
Of happiness
Feeling the ocean
Of emotion
Within me.
I suppress.

There was a long time
I couldn’t associate
With what I was
Feeling.
I would have my mind
Spinning
To figure out
If my emotions
Can truly be explained,

Am I really feeling angry?
Or do I feel something else
And was taught it was anger.
What if
What I’m feeling
Isn’t what we think it is.

What if it’s something worse?
How am I to know?
I can’t even explain
Why I am crying
As I
Write
This. 

I’ve never truly struggled
I’ve had a great family behind me
Mostly.
No one is perfect
I’m sure they feel they do
What they can
I feel that way too. 

Too good

The moment was fleeting
Your strive to be perfect for others
Left you broken for me

I picked up your pieces
Instead of being your glue

You broke me too

Tsunami

My happiness
is like wave after wave
crashing on the shore.

The sun shining, birds singing.
Breeze blowing
that salty warm air,
kissing your skin

But my depression
Is like a tsunami, starts out small,
builds to be destructive.

Breaking everything in its path
My soul
My being
My sunshine

The tsunami took you.

Got Milk?

Got depression?
It’s nutritious and delicious!
Served up on a silver spoon,
ready to be taken
by all willing to consume.
For life is a give
but for people who only take,
depression is the answer
from causing you to wake.

Over thinking at night?
Well here is a tip!
Just shut your mind up
with alcohol and trips.
Not to the store
but with these pills, you see,
they promise to end your depression
and hide your misery.

Unwilling to move?
It’s hard to stay awake…
Unable to sleep,
and still more drugs you take.
This is a vicious cycle
yet it feels so good
to have something to hold onto.

You close your eyes
as you take your final breath,
just wishing for a body;
someone to caress your neck.
To tell you it’s all fine
and everything will be okay,
but every morning you awake
knowing alone is how you’ll stay.

Just don’t let the darkness
coax you in,
brace yourself
you can win.

You twist and turn
Knowing you can fight,
But the darkness has a death grip
on your life.
“This is the end,”
you whisper under your breath,
but soon you’ll find your cape
and fight the darkness to death.

 

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