I’m Fine

I wanted to start crying immediately
As you stayed up and got into a computer chair
Exhausted
Wanting to sleep
Drifting into sleep
And said
“Let’s play 20 questions”
In that voice
The one where you’re annoyed
The one where you’re angry
and you know
you don’t have a right to be

I should’ve cried
I should’ve just
Cried

But I didn’t
I told you to just go to bed

Brushing off
The tone
In your voice.

Maybe you’re too tired to
Care

All I will ever have is maybes because
I will
Never
Know

I ask questions
That should come as no surprise
As I’ve asked many questions
In the beginning
Reading off questionnaires
Trying to know ever nook and cranny of your mind
And personhood 

I don’t feel wrong
Or bad

I don’t feel guilty 

I asked what’s on your mind
And when you were asleep
I knew

You’re mind was clear
Capable of sleep
Comfortable
Not needing to think about consequences
Or actions
Or anything

I knew in your mind
You were thinking of nothing

And in that moment
I felt
Like I was nothing too

Can we all feel it, too?

Battling without reason
Same with my crying
Thinking to the days
When I was a child
Sitting on a couch
Asking myself over and over
“What do you have to be sad for?”
I could never answer.

Even as I rattled off in my head
A list of reasons
To smile
I could not bring it to
My face. 

As a young girl
Being told to smile
I grew up
To be fake.
Wearing this
Suit
Of happiness
Feeling the ocean
Of emotion
Within me.
I suppress.

There was a long time
I couldn’t associate
With what I was
Feeling.
I would have my mind
Spinning
To figure out
If my emotions
Can truly be explained,

Am I really feeling angry?
Or do I feel something else
And was taught it was anger.
What if
What I’m feeling
Isn’t what we think it is.

What if it’s something worse?
How am I to know?
I can’t even explain
Why I am crying
As I
Write
This. 

I’ve never truly struggled
I’ve had a great family behind me
Mostly.
No one is perfect
I’m sure they feel they do
What they can
I feel that way too. 

Content

No additional content.
That’s what it said
In black letters
On the top of my screen

No additional content
For me to write
Or for you to read.

They say a picture
is worth a thousand words
And yet
Actions speak louder
than them all

So no, there is
No additional content
Here

There is nothing left
But forgotten thoughts
Hopeful memories
And the breath I breathe

That feels like it’s for you
I used to compare the love
Of another
To oxygen in a room

But I have learned
That it’s so much more

My love for you is the room
My love for you is the house

The ground
The earth
The galaxy
And all of space.

So why can’t I breathe?
Is my love too strong?

The weight it carries crushes me
And yet you take such
Powerful
Strides

I grow weak and sad
Unable to cope
with the assumptions
of what’s on your mind
because when I ask you
you seem
to be thinking of nothing
all the time.

Just like a woman
Some would say

And although it may be true
The institution didn’t teach you
To hold your thoughts in
And pretend like others are more valuable

You have the privilege to share
And yet you make me wonder

Yes
I am a little crazy
But that’s apparently what men like

They want a person whose emotions
Are so strong they make up for the ones
You were never allowed to have

And no,
There is no additional content to add

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