It hurts

I think of things
To break my own heart
So no one has a chance
To break it for me

I would rather
Break my own heart
Everyday

Than be blind sided
By someone I trust
Breaking me

Million dollar man

What need is it
That a majority of people have
That you
Fulfill?

That makes them
Unable to step away
Permanently?

That makes them
Come back
From time to time?

That make them
Crave you?

Nothing out of the ordinary
But are extraordinary

You move about
With a slick tongue
Spewing your truths
Claiming them as honesty

But honest to who?

Pepper- Drive

How do I stop crying?

I feel it coming most days,
I feel the universe
Pushing me down
Holding me there

Against my will

To live through days
I wish I never had to see

Irate

I can feel my cheeks get hot,
I haven’t felt like this
In a long time it feels like

It crazy how one moment
You can feel completely normal
And fine

Then the next moment passes
And all you want to do
Is crawl under a rock

What really is upsetting though
Is how-

It doesn’t even matter.
At the end of the day
It never does.

If I don’t interrupt myself
I’m sure someone else will.

Spot it early

I hate how I can feel my sadness
Creeping in

First it weighs heavy in the air
And I’m not sure how to interact
With people
I interact with
Every
Day

When it finally hits my skin
Not only does it weigh me down
But
My skin absorbs it

I realize that everyone around me
Doesn’t actually WANT
To be
Around
Me

With this realization
Comes the most important step
In this plan
Sadness has spun for
Me

Seclusion.

I separate myself
And think of things
That make me deserving
Of people’s decision
To no longer
Keep me

It’s deep in my skin now,
Seeping through my bones
It has become me
I don’t know who I am without this

Was I ever happy?
I can’t think of a time.

In fact
I can only remember
Feeling this way
Always

I call all my friends in a frenzy panic
Some answer
Some don’t

I try not to give the vibe
That something is wrong with me
But when they want to hang up
It just confirms
That they
Don’t want
Me

I lie in bed now
Heart racing
Feet rubbing the bed
To get some kind of
Comfort
Affection

The air is heavy
I can’t breathe
Every breath takes a force
One I don’t feel like exerting
One that makes me wonder

What am I fighting for?

Self inflicted

Deep breaths
That will help me
Protect me even

I need to be protected
I need to be held
I need to be loved

I am hurting myself

And I don’t know how
Or why to stop

Invested

The one time I felt true love
And I couldn’t even hold on to it
I could never forget it

It was an unwanted love

Or rather,
It was wanted
but wouldn’t be reciprocated

Sometimes
People just want to absorb you
What you have to offer

But they don’t want you

Not you as you are
But for what you are

Not who you are

Never who I am

And definitely never
Who I can
Or who I will
Be

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