My happieness
Couldn’t have been
Locked away that long

I remember her smile
Her laugh
Her energy

I may have pushed her
Away before

Things have changed
I want her here

Back with me
To make me smile again
Like we used to

She is a sunshine
I have neglected for so long

I deserve me

And with her
I will be my happy self again

There are plenty of ways
I find myself
Feeding this
Anxiousness
Inside me

The hardest part
Is finding ways to starve it

While trying to bring
A different me
Back to life

I remember days
When I was young
Sitting on a couch
Trying to figure out
Just how I got to be
So sad

But I never sat on a couch
And thought about all the ways
I could be so happy

My grandmother said
It’s because my parents
Didnt hit me enough

Where my mother says
Its a chemical imbalance
I genetically inherited
From the crazy

My father said
Its from taking things
The wrong way
To stay sad
Instead of taking things
Positively
To be happy

But I say
It’s because
I don’t know
What I need
To be happy

I don’t know if its
Friends
Family
Life partner
Life partners?
Animals
Ice cream?

A new pair of boots!

Yeah, I like that one.

Rewiring my brain
To focus on my happier self
Who is she
Has she been hidden for so long
That I wont be able
To free her?

I could feel it,
His hands
Placed firmly
Around my lungs.

No matter
How many short breaths
I battled to take in,
I could feel his grip tighten.

He whispered
So softly into my ear
“Don’t I take your breath away?”

How quickly those hands
Move from my lungs,
To my heart
And then my throat.

The last time I let someone
Tighten their grip around me
They stole my air

But they left me with tears
Every night I’d cry
Every night I’d wish
For something more
Something better

But every night
I’d feel like I didn’t deserve it

Just because I want it.
Doesn’t mean I deserve it

And I don’t feel like I deserve anything

How do you treat yourself right
How do you feel deserving of kindness
When you can’t even be kind to yourself

I am who I am
And although I struggle
With who I was and who I can be

It doesn’t change things

But what can this say about me

Current me
Real me

Who can she even be without who she was?

Haunted,
Forgotten

Or at least in her own thoughts

I struggle
She struggles

I am her
And she is me

But that won’t change what we are
Pathetic.

I have a whirlwind of thoughts
That I can’t stop most nights
I try to be normal
But I can’t
I can’t hide my sad

I’m so tired of saying depressed
It just doesn’t cut it
The emotions I have are so much more

I’m sad
I’m worthless

But I deserve better
Than me

It’s always the ones
That love the most, huh?

The ones that give you everything
Make you feel like everything

The ones that you,
Almost,
Immediately want to spend
Everyday
By their side

Those are the ones
The ones that hurt the most
Lie the most

They pull you in
Into an orbit of falsehoods

That you can only claim
As an overreacting
Mistrusting
Female

Those same falsehoods
That will keep you spiraling
Into them
For months, years

It won’t even feel like a crash
And burn once it’s over though
It will feel like a flame
That is so exhausted
All it needed was
Air
To be full fire again

But instead
The smoke just
Suffocated you

And it will feel like
Something that should’ve been
Known

Should’ve been
Seen
Felt
Anything

But it won’t matter
Because it took you months, years
To get out
Of their orbital pull

And now
The worst thing you can do
Is look back
And stay
In his
Orbital
Grasp

When we were kids
My brother would say
That his favorite thing
About me
Was my smile
When I wasn’t smiling

I never understood
Until years later
That he didn’t mean
With my eyes

He was noticing
Small details
A slight up curve
Of the corners of my mouth
That revealed a smile
Only he could see

My mind keeps going back to it
It can’t let it go
It can’t forget

I just want to forget
Everything

Not even 10 years

But getting close

How can you still haunt me like this
When I am not even
A second thought
To you