I have a whirlwind of thoughts
That I can’t stop most nights
I try to be normal
But I can’t
I can’t hide my sad

I’m so tired of saying depressed
It just doesn’t cut it
The emotions I have are so much more

I’m sad
I’m worthless

But I deserve better
Than me

It’s always the ones
That love the most, huh?

The ones that give you everything
Make you feel like everything

The ones that you,
Almost,
Immediately want to spend
Everyday
By their side

Those are the ones
The ones that hurt the most
Lie the most

They pull you in
Into an orbit of falsehoods

That you can only claim
As an overreacting
Mistrusting
Female

Those same falsehoods
That will keep you spiraling
Into them
For months, years

It won’t even feel like a crash
And burn once it’s over though
It will feel like a flame
That is so exhausted
All it needed was
Air
To be full fire again

But instead
The smoke just
Suffocated you

And it will feel like
Something that should’ve been
Known

Should’ve been
Seen
Felt
Anything

But it won’t matter
Because it took you months, years
To get out
Of their orbital pull

And now
The worst thing you can do
Is look back
And stay
In his
Orbital
Grasp

When we were kids
My brother would say
That his favorite thing
About me
Was my smile
When I wasn’t smiling

I never understood
Until years later
That he didn’t mean
With my eyes

He was noticing
Small details
A slight up curve
Of the corners of my mouth
That revealed a smile
Only he could see

My mind keeps going back to it
It can’t let it go
It can’t forget

I just want to forget
Everything

Not even 10 years

But getting close

How can you still haunt me like this
When I am not even
A second thought
To you

Too much thinking
And not enough doing
Why can’t I just do
The first thing
That comes
To mind
Without overthinking
What would
Happen
If
I
Did?

There is nothing I wouldn’t do
But I could never let you know
Because once you do
I won’t matter
The only thing that will
Are the actions
Promised
For you

I think of things
To break my own heart
So no one has a chance
To break it for me

I would rather
Break my own heart
Everyday

Than be blind sided
By someone I trust
Breaking me

What need is it
That a majority of people have
That you
Fulfill?

That makes them
Unable to step away
Permanently?

That makes them
Come back
From time to time?

That make them
Crave you?

Nothing out of the ordinary
But are extraordinary

You move about
With a slick tongue
Spewing your truths
Claiming them as honesty

But honest to who?

How do I stop crying?

I feel it coming most days,
I feel the universe
Pushing me down
Holding me there

Against my will

To live through days
I wish I never had to see