If I have to be my own purpose, how the fuck am I supposed to live?

I hate myself and my existence and yet!

Here I am

Giving my best to everyone else

But what about me?

How do I remove myself from this child like mentality that holds me back? The one that feels like life should be fair and equal

And for why? Because one guy said that’s how it should be and he couldn’t even follow through?

So that set a mother fucking standard somehow?

For who?

Why does my standard have to be what everyone adapts to?

Why do I rebel and refuse to adapt to things?

Should I really be expected to though?

Why did my mentality change after a betrayal?

All these questions

And the only answer

Is me

I am the only thing that can change anything

And I explicitly did not use the word fix because that would insinuate that something is broken

All that is broken is me and all that can repair it is me

So why

Do I

Wait

Who can truly feel it

How can you keep it

It’s like one moment my heart is filled with so much affection

And before I can even blink

It’s gone

It’s me

I’m broken

And no one can love someone who is broken

So why do I want you to love me?

Just be happy

Just be grateful

Don’t have any emotions

Other than positive ones

And then

People might actually like you

Just remember to always put on the mask

Because one slip up

And everyone is against you again 

Most days 

I am awe-struck

Fully involved and enveloped

You can’t see how deep I’ve fallen

And I’m so scared

You’re going to leave me in the dark 

Whenever I promise positivity I just disappear, thats a little ridiculous. I am working on things and being happier and finding myself. I am also working on myself too! I’m heading to the gym to get my endorphins up! NaNoWriMo is coming and I need to be mentally AND physically well and organized!

Whenever I promise positivity I just disappear, thats a little ridiculous. I am working on things and being happier and finding myself. I am also working on myself too! I’m heading to the gym to get my endorphins up! NaNoWriMo is coming and I need to be mentally AND physically well and organized!

Think it into existence
This fantasy, dreamland

A place where actions and words mean nothing because your thoughts are your reality
But also, coexisting in this newly found universe,
A law that
Even though pictures are worth a thousand words, actions speak louder than all of them

In this place, where you can take a compliment and completely turn it into the biggest insult ever seen,

You can also take those small gestures and craft them into this meaningful deeper level of comfort

A commitment that
May be over looked by many
But not by you

Mother did say,

Even the solidest of glass hearts
Can be crushed by the weight
Of hard headedness

Volando

Las gritas que pegan

Siempre timbrando

En Europa gritan

En los Estados Unidos

Ni un piyo

Las escucho

En mi mente

Cuando extraño

A Viveiro

My happieness
Couldn’t have been
Locked away that long

I remember her smile
Her laugh
Her energy

I may have pushed her
Away before

Things have changed
I want her here

Back with me
To make me smile again
Like we used to

She is a sunshine
I have neglected for so long

I deserve me

And with her
I will be my happy self again

There are plenty of ways
I find myself
Feeding this
Anxiousness
Inside me

The hardest part
Is finding ways to starve it

While trying to bring
A different me
Back to life

I remember days
When I was young
Sitting on a couch
Trying to figure out
Just how I got to be
So sad

But I never sat on a couch
And thought about all the ways
I could be so happy

My grandmother said
It’s because my parents
Didnt hit me enough

Where my mother says
Its a chemical imbalance
I genetically inherited
From the crazy

My father said
Its from taking things
The wrong way
To stay sad
Instead of taking things
Positively
To be happy

But I say
It’s because
I don’t know
What I need
To be happy

I don’t know if its
Friends
Family
Life partner
Life partners?
Animals
Ice cream?

A new pair of boots!

Yeah, I like that one.