Whenever I promise positivity I just disappear, thats a little ridiculous. I am working on things and being happier and finding myself. I am also working on myself too! I’m heading to the gym to get my endorphins up! NaNoWriMo is coming and I need to be mentally AND physically well and organized!

Think it into existence
This fantasy, dreamland

A place where actions and words mean nothing because your thoughts are your reality
But also, coexisting in this newly found universe,
A law that
Even though pictures are worth a thousand words, actions speak louder than all of them

In this place, where you can take a compliment and completely turn it into the biggest insult ever seen,

You can also take those small gestures and craft them into this meaningful deeper level of comfort

A commitment that
May be over looked by many
But not by you

Mother did say,

Even the solidest of glass hearts
Can be crushed by the weight
Of hard headedness

Volando

Las gritas que pegan

Siempre timbrando

En Europa gritan

En los Estados Unidos

Ni un piyo

Las escucho

En mi mente

Cuando extraño

A Viveiro

My happieness
Couldn’t have been
Locked away that long

I remember her smile
Her laugh
Her energy

I may have pushed her
Away before

Things have changed
I want her here

Back with me
To make me smile again
Like we used to

She is a sunshine
I have neglected for so long

I deserve me

And with her
I will be my happy self again

There are plenty of ways
I find myself
Feeding this
Anxiousness
Inside me

The hardest part
Is finding ways to starve it

While trying to bring
A different me
Back to life

I remember days
When I was young
Sitting on a couch
Trying to figure out
Just how I got to be
So sad

But I never sat on a couch
And thought about all the ways
I could be so happy

My grandmother said
It’s because my parents
Didnt hit me enough

Where my mother says
Its a chemical imbalance
I genetically inherited
From the crazy

My father said
Its from taking things
The wrong way
To stay sad
Instead of taking things
Positively
To be happy

But I say
It’s because
I don’t know
What I need
To be happy

I don’t know if its
Friends
Family
Life partner
Life partners?
Animals
Ice cream?

A new pair of boots!

Yeah, I like that one.

Rewiring my brain
To focus on my happier self
Who is she
Has she been hidden for so long
That I wont be able
To free her?

I could feel it,
His hands
Placed firmly
Around my lungs.

No matter
How many short breaths
I battled to take in,
I could feel his grip tighten.

He whispered
So softly into my ear
“Don’t I take your breath away?”

How quickly those hands
Move from my lungs,
To my heart
And then my throat.

The last time I let someone
Tighten their grip around me
They stole my air

But they left me with tears
Every night I’d cry
Every night I’d wish
For something more
Something better

But every night
I’d feel like I didn’t deserve it

Just because I want it.
Doesn’t mean I deserve it

And I don’t feel like I deserve anything

How do you treat yourself right
How do you feel deserving of kindness
When you can’t even be kind to yourself

I am who I am
And although I struggle
With who I was and who I can be

It doesn’t change things

But what can this say about me

Current me
Real me

Who can she even be without who she was?

Haunted,
Forgotten

Or at least in her own thoughts

I struggle
She struggles

I am her
And she is me

But that won’t change what we are
Pathetic.

I have a whirlwind of thoughts
That I can’t stop most nights
I try to be normal
But I can’t
I can’t hide my sad

I’m so tired of saying depressed
It just doesn’t cut it
The emotions I have are so much more

I’m sad
I’m worthless

But I deserve better
Than me