Can’t or won’t

I don’t think I ever truly loved anyone. I feel like my default mode is nice and so I have become desensitized. I love everyone. Sure, some people get special treatment- but does that necessarily mean I love them? Does that mean I want and need them?

I’m unclear about this love thing

Oh wait, but now you will tell me that if I feel this way then I’m not with the right person because if I was then I would just know. But how true is that?

What if I’m confused forever? Does that mean I’m just never going to find my person?

Honestly, I’ve been ready to give up on that thought. I don’t feel like anyone will want me forever

And that’s ok

Because I don’t know if I will want someone forever

I fear rejection

Heartbreak

I can’t deal with it again

My heart feels permanently broken

I don’t want to be vulnerable with anyone ever again

I hide pieces of myself

I will never say everything

I can’t do it to myself

Not even for you

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