My big dark love is heavy in my arms

I know each song isn’t directly talking about depression but that is what they mean to me. My depression is my big dark love. It’s an addiction I have, or rather I am accustomed to the feeling. But depression isn’t just one feeling to me. That’s why they weigh so heavily in my arms. Loneliness, sadness- I can’t see through the fog of my dark love. It lingers for days, months even. And sometimes, when a small beam comes through, my dark love finds a way to ruin it. I fumble with it in my arms, dropping pieces of me I can’t carry because I am holding my love too tightly. I always expect someone to trail behind me and pick up the pieces I’ve lost. My beloved self, left struggling with the pieces of my broken mind. My depression cuts like a dull knife, never cleanly slicing though. My love is an iron ball, it’s so heavy. Carrying this love on a day to day bases seems tedious and painful. It is, I feel the tightness in my chest sinking down to my stomach. I’m not strong enough to protect my heart.

Can I come over tonight?

I’ve realized the only love I’ve ever truly had is my darkness. I don’t know what it is to love or be loved. I love you never felt like any blessing. My depression has made me insecure and jealous. There may be a dark shadow casted over me but my eyes burn flames of green- and red after I cry. I cry a lot nowadays. Or rather nowanights. When the sun disappears from the sky I also feel my heart sinking too. The further down my heart goes the harder the tears flow.

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