My first time

Water may cleanse but the grime under my skin will never wash away. The blood that is spilled will never release this grime. I find myself now, bleeding but only filling with darkened gunk. Why must every breath cause bleeding in my lungs? Every swallow jabs holes into my esophagus and finally piercing my stomach where everything connects. I will never be forgiven but I shall be easily forgotten. My face leaves no impressions and my heart just shudders at the thought of exposure, at this point I find myself truly alone. One cannot imagine the feeling of dying in the dark.
This kind of darkness cannot be explained, only experienced. Opening your eyes but not being sure if they are open or not. The feeling of hands running against walls but feeling only ice. Not the wet ice and not that feeling where your skin gets stuck, it was more like cold, hard, unbreakable, closed. Closed is the deepest feeling. I can feel the walls closing in but the pressure is on my chest, the rest of my body struggles. With the compression on my chest- it is you.
Yes, you did it again, you took the pressure away, you made the panic stop. As warned, I know as quickly as it left it can be returned. No amount of apologies could take that away.
I never meant for this. Your first chance, my first time…

DOW: 10/30/13

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