“You have to practice being the person you want to be until you are the person you want to be.” – Unknown
How can I be something I am not?
Practice they say,
Practice being kind.
Practice being sweet.
Practice being smart.
How can I practice being something I am not?
I can only try to be me
and can I even succeed at being me?
I’m not sure…
I will get what I deserve
What do I deserve?
What does anyone deserve?
Can I be special ha…
I could never..
Who is going to-
Let me just stop there.
Why does someone have to do anything for me?
Why do I expect someone to anything for me?
My life has not been a breeze,
but I can say that things have been pretty calm.
Emotions, maybe I just want…
I know I want,
I cant get-
because I don’t earn,
because I dont try,
Maybe thats whats wrong,
I just cant.
I say I cant,
I act like I cant,
I believe I cant,
but it’s because the will power to try just isn’t there.
I have a large head and a low self esteem.. What kind of combination is that?
How can someone who boasts themselves so much feel like the only option is death/absence.
It’s the lack of feeling in my life.
The lack of need.
The lack of desire.
I know I like things…
-I try not to cry because it makes me feel weak, but I think thats why I want to cry so much. I sit in my room most of the time and just think of ways I could be better, things I could do. I imagine myself dying and everything being better. I feel sad all the time because I cant be what everyone needs. I just want everyone to be happy, I lose myself in that. I change for people so they can have what they want and need- and im happy with that. But when I’m not with people, I put myself in this dark place.
And there is comes
The most realization I can get to talking about the way I feel.
Who even cares about that?
How can someone be attached to something so reckless?
Mother fucking feelings
How can someone describe happy?
I read on google that loving yourself is treating yourself like a baby,
taking care of yourself before you cry,
attending all the emotional needs,
how can I attend ALL my emtional needs?
My body wants too much,
my brain wants too much…
I want too much.
Maybe thats why I can’t get anything
Or maybe thats why
I overlook things like they are too good for me.
Date originally written(DOW): 10/30/13